Trick yourself by laughing.
I looked like an idiot about 10 minutes ago. I also looked like an idiot about 5 hours ago. Oh, and also about a week ago.
Due to the fact that I made a stupid little mistake on my supplement application, I got denied acceptance to transferring to San Diego State. Before I knew what I had done, I felt unwanted and complete disbelief. I don’t mean to toot my own horn, but I felt pretty confident. Then I finally called in and they told me why… I felt plain stupid. I felt stupider than stupid.
Since then I have been typing up a simple letter of appeal, that as the person on the phone mentioned “…makes us think,” on what I have done and why I should be admitted. I drove places to get papers and now I am waiting on my AP results from high school to send in with everything. That’s another reason why I am pissed, I paid $25 for express mail, and it’s been a week.
I. FEEL. SO. DUMB.
Then you start feeling so dumb that it starts to feel numb. Then it’s like you leave your body for a couple seconds and you find yourself staring at that dumb/numb person in front of you and thing, “Shit, You made a dumb ass mistake!” Then you end up talking to yourself and respond, “I know, right.” Then you realize how stupid you look talking to yourself and you start laughing.
And that has been me a couple of times since then.
I know it is not THE end of the world but, just like everyone else, I like the feeling of control and this was my version of control and I feel like I have been robbed of my iPod (or something important, yaknaaawaddamean…)
I presented my speech about embracing the word Fuck today. I felt very pressured at first because my teacher was skeptical that it might offend some of the older parents in the audience. I shakes a little but I felt pretty good after talking to the guy next to me before hand who was nervous as well. I love that class, even if I feel like my heart is pounding in my throat at first at the thought I might start farting or something, it’s still an amazing high. I’m rewarding myself with finally opening the pages of vogue and not doing my French homework. Treat yourselves, Silly McGillies! :)
School 4 everr
It’s weird when people ask me, “What Semester are you in in College?” and I respond that I am starting my fourth semester. It also felt weird at the Miramar Gym when I took my fitness test and the machine asked for my age. It feels weird. But anywhoo, I just feel like letting my fingers dance on my keyboard for a while before I head of to bed. So heres some school stuff
Human Sexual Behavior: You know when you take a class like Biology or English and you are secretly anticipating that sex talk in Bio or that sex scene in your assigned English class novel? Don’t lie, you didn’t watch Romeo and Juliet in your english class just for the dialogue, you were waiting to see Romeo’s butt and stare at your teacher to absorb all the awkwardness in the room. Well anyway, it’s just like that but every class day(except the teachers not embarrassed), I love it.
Advanced Public Speaking: The teacher in this class is adorable. I just want to box up some of her sunshine and donate it to charity or something. I think I am going to love that class, even if I am probably going to complain about it and most likely hyperventilate at the thought of speech day coming up…there is an indescribable feeling when you make a speech and realize that the audience is actually listening to you, that moment when you are in the middle of your speech and make slight eye contact with someone and realize that they are still following your every word and interpreted what you were saying the exact way you want them to receive it. Then after you say the exact last line you wanted to squeeze in and you sit down the rush of nerves catches up, ADRENALINE JUNKIEEE!…. hahaha I hope to get this feeling a lot in this class and with this teacher I hope to absorb all the sunshine she has to offer.
French:I need to take time to sit down this week and just review every single thing from the past. She speaks only in French besides what she says are the “Very important parts.” But I think after asking the girl next to me to translate, EVERYTHING IS IMPORTANT! She is nice, she reminds me of that short woman with the Anna Wintour Black Bob from The Incredibles. There is a girl in that class that reminds me of Misha and she sits by me and she’s really cool. She laughs at everything I say, so my confidence is through the roof during those 3 hours. But then it goes back down when my teacher hears me speaking English during a side conversation and points at me with her animated finger and says, “Parlez- Vous D’anglais! S’il Vous Plait!!!!!” It’s at night from 7:05 to 9:30 pm. I look like a freak walking out after class clutching on my belongings and walking up the 2038042 stairs slightly hoping I fart to ward off any possible intruders in my safe zone.
Physical Anthropology Lab: A needed class and it was the farthest from my version of a sciencey lab I can get. Yessss, and my anthro lab partner is a cutie that asks me questions about myself, I don’t really get that type of attention, so I feel kind of like a celebrity getting interviewed by Barbara Walters Anderson Cooper. ;)
Open Gym: (I forgot the actual name of the class) The wifi works in their so I admit to not putting that much effort yet, since i’m playing Temple Run on my ipod and checking out Hipster photos on Instagram.
I forgot this was in my French book. A couple weeks back we were put into groups and since we were relearning the conditional tense, we were told to write eachother fortunes like in fortune cookies. It was really cheesy and I barely read the one that was given to me since class was about to end and I wanted to run and fuel my need for hot Cheetos from the cafeteria. But now opening my book and finding it resting on my pages needed to study for my upcoming test, it is very comforting. Merci Silly Fortune!
I CRYYYYYYYYYY
This did not start out as a good day, but it was mostly because I wasn’t letting it be a good day. I complained that I did bad on my French Exam, but it was because I know it was because I didn’t put effort. I didn’t realize I had a Argumentation quiz, but it was because I had absolutely no passion to look into that class anymore. And something else. But that’s not important. But in general, I had no one to blame for todays misfortunes.
Thank goodness for Ashley Kummer. Even if she did change dramatically and at times I find myself scared for her life. She still finds ways to make me crack up at times the way I did during sophomore year. Her stories at her job made me crack up which produces the inside joke, “I CRYYYYYYYY”
She saved me today from being all dull. That was a dramatic statement haha, she helped me realize that I had to just brighten up.
Not everyday is going to be great and at times I have to just be sad to just let it out. But once the sad is out try your damn best to brighten up. Cause as that typical saying This too shall pass.
Another positive note, I am not gonna lie I was on the verge of tears that I finally got a B on a homework set for astronomy all by myself. I usually get D’s and F’s and one time I got lucky and got a C (and also another time I begged the teacher to let me retake one and I got a A, but that was because I remembered the answers) but this time I actually got a B. It was a Homework set so it may not seem like a big deal, but to me I feel like the hottest man alive chose me out of all the gorgeous girls on the dance floor to slow dance. Gahhhhh this made my night The little things can cause the hugest smiles.:)
Positive thinking sillies.
Retelling itty bitty stories from reviewing the pictures on my phone.
So I remember taking these pictures on my phone with the intentions to blog about something. So this is just a whole bunch of whatevaaa that happened this week..
Taken Wednesday of last week:
- I decided to
be all eco friendly andwalk to school. Actually I really just wanted to save gas. But I remember it was really hot outside (like the hottest day of that week) and I donned my 400 pound backpack of knowledge. The average 10 minute walk to school turned into around 25 and I remember walking in right when class was about to start looking like a sweaty hot mess. I felt very tempted to explain myself onto why my shirt was drenched in sweat everytime I felt someone was staring. I JUST WANTED TO SAVETHE EARTH FROM POLLUTIONA COUPLE BUCKS SO I COULD GET A TACO LATER. - I spent my 2 hour break in the library studying next to this 2 guys on my left. I got lost in my music and when the song Vienna by Billy Joel came on I didn’t realize I sang out loud the first part, “SLooW DooWn you Crazy CHillld…” until the guy across me on my left jumped a little.
- This lady made me watch her purse as she ran an errand. Well she didn’t really ask she just asked how long I was staying and after I said about 30 minutes she pointed to her bag, gave me a “Do what I say, Child” and left. I didn’t really understand why she didn’t just take it with her it seemed like it was filled with feathers and a tube of lipstick. She ended up making me hyperventilate cause she didn’t come for more than 30 minutes and I needed to go to class. She then came in finally while I was packed and ready to go just staring at her big bag full of nothingness protecting it from all evil. That silly willy didn’t even say thank you! She just grabbed her bag and left. I was so tempted to just follow her, but then I didn’t really want to look like a freak running after her with my big ass back pack pleading a ‘thank you.’ Well at that moment I kinda hoped that a big gust of wind were to swoop by her and take away her plastic bag.
Taken Monday of this week:
- I was using the gross restrooms by the Miramar Library and after I did my business and looked up I saw this. Made my day a little bit brighter.
Taken Tuesday of this week:
- I have been very proud of myself that I have not bought anything at both of my schools cafeteria, besides that water, but this time I was so desperate. I haven’t been bringing any money to school to avoid temptation but after searching my bag I managed to find $1.75 in quarters! I then finally found a vending machine. AND THIS FUCKER TOOK MY MONEY AND KEPT THE M&Ms!.
- I think this moment was when I realize I would hate gambling because I was really really upset that I lost $1.25. I don’t even want to know how much pain it would feel to loose like $5 bucks on a slot machine.
- In good news, I hope some other hungry broke student wanted milk chocolate M&Ms and ended up getting 2 instead of one.
Taken Yesterday:
- I like being obnoxious in Kim Vergaras car.
Taken Today:
- I held back on temptation to get the September issue in order to study. Then I realized that I had to get it before the October one comes out usually by the 18-20th. So yesterday I went to Target and started freaking out cause they already had the October issue.
- Luckily, today I realize that CVS (I go to) usually lags on getting the recent magazines till like a week later so I was saved.
- Yay! Now I can go look at scarfs that cost more than my monthly paychecks combined! (JayKayy, I Luhh You September Issues <333)
You can’t always get what you want.
Yes, I am listening to the Rolling Stones right now. I am about to finish the second part of my listening homework of french. The last time I started doing it was on Friday night before losing every nerve of sanity and yelling at my computer in hopes of somehow communicating with the french speaker telling me to either translate what both he and she were saying or answer the questions they asked. I imagined that there were 2 mini french people hiding in my laptop laughing and mocking at my eye rolls, frustration and my butchering of the pronunciations. But what ever c’est la vie, I am at least trying right?
Today my internet decided to have its own mind and conveniently made up its mind to stop working, other shenanigans and with the heat I was going mad. I took a nap to let go of any frustration and woke up to the same situation. My mom forced me to hang out with her outside this humid apartment, literally force like I was throwing a big fit and began acting like I was three and slammed my door. As much as I hated the idea I am very grateful that she forced me to get out of the house even if it was just for a an hour at the grocery store and Barnes and Noble. It was a good breather.
It isn’t the end of the world know? It is going to be rare that I get every little thing that I really strive hard for in the future. I probably won’t be getting that 12,000 something Hermes red crocodile Birkin that I always said I wanted haha. But what I am trying to get at, again if I haven’t already, is that it is going to be ok. There has been this nagging feeling with in me that everything is going to be fine and that I already have something reserved for me to find successfully just around the corner. I won’t get everything I want, but I will be happy. It’s ok to complain and yell like a mad woman/man in front of your laptop pretending to talk to miniature french people in your computer, because it will pass at some point. And you will be meticulously focusing your mind on something different. This will surely pass and I will be focusing on something new to complain about, appreciate, obsess over or hope about or etc. etc. Nether the less, let’s not let temporary difficulties over burden us as much as we let them. Kay?
Oh but don’t get me wrong, just because I can’t always get what I want doesn’t mean at all that I am settling. I’m still going to try.
even for that mother fucking Birkin. ;)
P.S. This is more of a letter to myself. Like my little daily dose of reassurance to myself. You can have some if you like :)
Cathy Renee
Relearning 2 years of french over the weekend.
I am not over exaggerating at all this time when I describe what I have done over my first week of school. I woke up went to school, came home changed, ran to work, came home from work, shower, study, sleep. I also realized that I ate anything I could get my hands on, which was usually chips and gummy worms and I remember Tuesday my mom left me some Chick fil-a while I was in the process of changing to hurry and make my shift at work.
Weirdly, I sorta like it. Believe me though, I will hate it at some points. But for some bizarre reason I like the idea that I have to be somewhere constantly and be all active and engaging and stuff. Oh but trust me I will complain about it later. Trust me.
One of the subjects I am taking is French. I took French 3 years in high school, I wasn’t the best at the subject but I was able to get through each class with a B and one report card the stars were aligned and I luckily got an A. I stopped my junior year and revisited it this year in college as a transferable unit to transfer. Boy, what do I have some relearning to visit. I practically pleaded the professor to let me in the class after I had to explain why my challenge test to get in the class had many errors and my passe composse was incredibly weak.
I will be honest that I thought going into the second year of french after having 3 years of it would give me an advantage and I would be able to be like some sort of star student, but no like almost half of the students are in the same situation as me and I feel like I was the only one that was on the verge of drowning in that class.
Oh brain, please let the fact that I have put in an incredible amount of time on this beautiful but tedious language into good use. Make me French Savvy and understand more than 70% on what my teacher is talking about in class next time.
s’il vous plait!
Cathy-Renee
blah to the blah blah.
It’s school time!
I do this all the time but here I go again (just a little), I will do my absolute best this semester. This semester I am tackling my not so strong subjects. This semester I am also extremely hopeful that I will be able to begin the transfer process for next fall. I want to bring out the old school-me full force this semester, the old school me from high school that seemed to have a tad bit more passion and hope than the one I feel I have morphed into (still passionate and hopeful, but just a bit less shiny and a shade dull [picture washing a bright red shirt a couple of times and it looses it’s intensity, still red just a little not so bright).
This semester too, besides school wise I am going to say that I am going to be a lot more guarded (if that makes sense). Recently for some reason I have gotten that feeling again of being a convenient friend. My version of a convenient friend is that one person that just acts as someone to fill in a space in a hang out. Nothing too special. The friend that is only brought out on occasions. We all grow up and some things are not the same, I am learning acceptance in that area. I won’t hold on to any means of jealousy. I won’t feel abandoned. If I am invited I will accept it gratefully, but I will not make a big deal if I am not. I know this is random, but I am stalling before I commit myself to read the rest of my assigned readings and have to get every ounce of other thoughts out of my mind to focus properly. I don’t want to feel like I need to impress a group of people and I don’t want to be that friend that is brought out to ones convenience. Things change and it’s time I catch up and do the same.
Now back to studying :)
