Fortified with Optimism

Pandora

So on the Adele station the next song to play after Turning Tables was Survivor. At first I was a little taken back because the atmosphere/mood I was soaking in was rather calm and peaceful then all of a sudden” Da La La La La… Now that you are out of my life, I’m so much better” I checked to make sure it was not on shuffle and it wasn’t. Then a couple seconds later I was like HOLLLAA and started nodding my head and stuff like I was part of Destiny’s Child ~

Oh and yes, for my Pandora account I use my middle school e-mail address cause I don’t like everything going to my current one. (Just in case you were wondering from the top right side…. don’t judge it was middle school)

I CRYYYYYYYYYY

This did not start out as a good day, but it was mostly because I wasn’t letting it be a good day. I complained that I did bad on my French Exam, but it was because I know it was because I didn’t put effort. I didn’t realize I had a Argumentation quiz, but it was because I had absolutely no passion to look into that class anymore. And something else. But that’s not important. But in general, I had no one to blame for todays misfortunes. 

Thank goodness for Ashley Kummer. Even if she did change dramatically and at times I find myself scared for her life. She still finds ways to make me crack up at times the way I did during sophomore year. Her stories at her job made me crack up which produces the inside joke, “I CRYYYYYYYY”

She saved me today from being all dull. That was a dramatic statement haha, she helped me realize that I had to just brighten up.

Not everyday is going to be great and at times I have to just be sad to just let it out. But once the sad is out try your damn best to brighten up. Cause as that typical saying This too shall pass. 

Another positive note, I am not gonna lie I was on the verge of tears that I finally got a B on a homework set for astronomy all by myself. I usually get D’s and F’s and one time I got lucky and got a C (and also another time I begged the teacher to let me retake one and I got a A, but that was because I remembered the answers) but this time I actually got a B. It was a Homework set so it may not seem like a big deal, but to me I feel like the hottest man alive chose me out of all the gorgeous girls on the dance floor to slow dance. Gahhhhh this made my night The little things can cause the hugest smiles.:)

Positive thinking sillies. 

First world problems

Eww. this is going to sound stupid but it’s been irritating me after I went to the mall today. 

I visited the mall today in hopes of finding another black business skirt for the upcoming weddings I’m assisting at. Well I didn’t find anything but can Charlotte Russe calm down? For the first time in a really long time I found some pieces that were nice there was a lot of either has a cheap looking belt, random pieces of leather patched on somewhere and all kinds of sequins. And yes usually I go cray cray sometime but what evv…….FIRST WORLD GURRL PROBLEMS.

ANYWAYZ.

here comes the water workzz. At the mall there was this girl that I could not stop staring at. She had these black suede short wedge boots and a short sleeved loose fitted romper type outfit. Had a 70s mustard feel with a lively take (makes sense? IDK FIRST WORLD GURRLLL PROBLEMS.) I wanted to dress like that. I looked around cotton on to forever to lucky brand searching for my palette to start a look. I ran into problems of me not willing to buy things and being short. FIRST WORLD GUURRLL PROBLEMS! I then found myself staring at this shirt that I thought looked nice but instead of me envisioning myself in it, I could not stop thinking “Would that girl with those black suede black booties where this? Or that girl that dresses remarkable?” Then I kept getting mad at myself that I couldn’t envision myself wearing it. I was too mad to try on that fucking shirt for myself FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS!

Uhhgg my closet is so bland. I want to go back to liking what I wear. I want to go back to a time where I would open my closet and be excited on what to put on.

FIRST

WORLD 

PROBLEMS 

Retelling itty bitty stories from reviewing the pictures on my phone.

So I remember taking these pictures on my phone with the intentions to blog about something. So this is just a whole bunch of whatevaaa that happened this week..

Taken Wednesday of last week: 

• I decided to be all eco friendly and walk to school. Actually I really just wanted to save gas. But I remember it was really hot outside (like the hottest day of that week) and I donned my 400 pound backpack of knowledge. The average 10 minute walk to school turned into around 25 and I remember walking in right when class was about to start looking like a sweaty hot mess. I felt very tempted to explain myself onto why my shirt was drenched in sweat everytime I felt someone was staring. I JUST WANTED TO SAVE THE EARTH FROM POLLUTION A COUPLE BUCKS SO I COULD GET A TACO LATER.
• I spent my 2 hour break in the library studying next to this 2 guys on my left. I got lost in my music and when the song Vienna by Billy Joel came on I didn’t realize I sang out loud the first part, “SLooW DooWn you Crazy CHillld…” until the guy across me on my left jumped a little.
• This lady made me watch her purse as she ran an errand. Well she didn’t really ask she just asked how long I was staying and after I said about 30 minutes she pointed to her bag, gave me a “Do what I say, Child” and left. I didn’t really understand why she didn’t just take it with her it seemed like it was filled with feathers and a tube of lipstick. She ended up making me hyperventilate cause she didn’t come for more than 30 minutes and I needed to go to class. She then came in finally while I was packed and ready to go just staring at her big bag full of nothingness protecting it from all evil. That silly willy didn’t even say thank you! She just grabbed her bag and left. I was so tempted to just follow her, but then I didn’t really want to look like a freak running after her with my big ass back pack pleading a ‘thank you.’ Well at that moment I kinda hoped that a big gust of wind were to swoop by her and take away her plastic bag.

Taken Monday of this week:

• I was using the gross restrooms by the Miramar Library and after I did my business and looked up I saw this. Made my day a little bit brighter. 

Taken Tuesday of this week:

• I have been very proud of myself that I have not bought anything at both of my schools cafeteria, besides that water, but this time I was so desperate. I haven’t been bringing any money to school to avoid temptation but after searching my bag I managed to find $1.75 in quarters! I then finally found a vending machine. AND THIS FUCKER TOOK MY MONEY AND KEPT THE M&Ms!. 
• I think this moment was when I realize I would hate gambling because I was really really upset that I lost $1.25. I don’t even want to know how much pain it would feel to loose like $5 bucks on a slot machine.
• In good news, I hope some other hungry broke student wanted milk chocolate M&Ms and ended up getting 2 instead of one. 

Taken Yesterday:

• I like being obnoxious in Kim Vergaras car.

Taken Today:

• I held back on temptation to get the September issue in order to study. Then I realized that I had to get it before the October one comes out usually by the 18-20th. So yesterday I went to Target and started freaking out cause they already had the October issue. 
• Luckily, today I realize that CVS (I go to) usually lags on getting the recent magazines till like a week later so I was saved.
• Yay! Now I can go look at scarfs that cost more than my monthly paychecks combined! (JayKayy, I Luhh You September Issues <333)

You can’t always get what you want.

Yes, I am listening to the Rolling Stones right now. I am about to finish the second part of my listening homework of french. The last time I started doing it was on Friday night before losing every nerve of sanity and yelling at my computer in hopes of somehow communicating with the french speaker telling me to either translate what both he and she were saying or answer the questions they asked. I imagined that there were 2 mini french people hiding in my laptop laughing and mocking at my eye rolls, frustration and my butchering of the pronunciations. But what ever c’est la vie, I am at least trying right?

Today my internet decided to have its own mind and conveniently made up its mind to stop working, other shenanigans and with the heat I was going mad. I took a nap to let go of any frustration and woke up to the same situation. My mom forced me to hang out with her outside this humid apartment, literally force like I was throwing a big fit and began acting like I was three and slammed my door. As much as I hated the idea I am very grateful that she forced me to get out of the house even if it was just for a an hour at the grocery store and Barnes and Noble. It was a good breather.   

It isn’t the end of the world know? It is going to be rare that I get every little thing that I really strive hard for in the future. I probably won’t be getting that 12,000 something Hermes red crocodile Birkin that I always said I wanted haha. But what I am trying to get at, again if I haven’t already, is that it is going to be ok. There has been this nagging feeling with in me that everything is going to be fine and that I already have something reserved for me to find successfully just around the corner. I won’t get everything I want, but I will be happy. It’s ok to complain and yell like a mad woman/man in front of your laptop pretending to talk to miniature french people in your computer, because it will pass at some point. And you will be meticulously focusing your mind on something different. This will surely pass and I will be focusing on something new to complain about, appreciate, obsess over or hope about or etc. etc. Nether the less, let’s not let temporary difficulties over burden us as much as we let them. Kay?

Oh but don’t get me wrong, just because I can’t always get what I want doesn’t mean at all that I am settling. I’m still going to try.

even for that mother fucking Birkin. ;)

P.S. This is more of a letter to myself. Like my little daily dose of reassurance to myself. You can have some if you like :)

Cathy Renee

HELLLOOO PUBERTY AND A GOOOOOD AMOUNT OF YEARS!!

I am not going to act like I am some big fan of Harry Potter. I have never read any of the books and I usually have to ask the person I am going with what is going on at times to fully understand what it is I am watching, but I am very appreciative of it’s presence in our pop culture. I like that I was able to live during the time of it’s movie generation and I always find time to just see what the fuss is about on screen. I remember I watched the very first movie at the movie theater with my moms friends from San Jose and I was either nine or ten. I watched the last one at the movies tonight and even though I was not some big fan, I really liked this movie. I think it was my favorite one out of all of them. Maybe part of the reason I liked it a lot was that I got to watch it with one of my good friends. This friend definitely changed from our early high school days. We have different interest in the type of guys we like and types of things we do. But I just like that the things that don’t change is that through all the differences that now set us a part at times, I still love that the stupidest things still make us crack up.

A little off topic, I am learning to accept acceptance everyday. I really can’t keep beating myself up for what I cannot change or what I do not have. But I can just keep doing my own thing and just focus on coming up with some satisfying alternative. This goes for multiple things; friends, small problems and annoying on going personal conflicts. This is one habit I will always break at one point or another, but at this time I feel like I am doing a pretty darn good job of putting that negative energy away. 

(Source: karpiwillpeeonyourface)

Friday night and happily not leaving this bed

I just finished semi re-watching  Kathy Griffins my life on the D-Lists fourth season. I had no plans just rewarding myself with a meal after working and hitting up the neighborhood gym that’s filled with all the old hom!3z. Those senior citizens bench pressing a number that seems higher than my own weight is truly remarkable. Hollla gramps!

So just a bunch of random to make my Tumblr more vibrant. On Wednesday I bought my first semi full set of fancy makeup at Sephora, after my month long plus time I haven’t worn any at all due to my sexy larry visit that now is a scar. I didn’t look at the prices because I knew I would have a panic attack, one of which I indeed had at the register. I tested it out and it’s whatever. I was expecting, I don’t know, a princess-like-angelic-megan-fox-sultry look but I just got the usual sexy bombshell I see everyday. ehh. I need to learn the master of putting on a significant amount of eyeshadow without looking like I got punched in the eye.

If I could take a positive thing out of Larry’s visit, besides the whole Karma thing, is that it made me more fearless. It may not have been obvious, but I used to rely on my mascara and eyeliner as some weird sad shield for my so called self esteem. Without it I felt naked and a man. I even planned before summer to buy all kinds of waterproof eyeliner and mascara to wear at the beach. The first day of having Larry in my life I went to the beach with 2 pretty close friends and I was so fearful of just being… i don’t know.. denied of being considered human. But surprisingly they still wanted to be friends with me. Then at work the same day, I wore my visor down trying to avoid customers, yet they still bought smoothies. blah blah blah blah blah. I was still treated the same and now thinking about it after wearing my 70+ dollar make-up, idk it felt different. 

the point is, I am so used to not wearing make-up (well the 2 necessities) that I no longer am dependent on them. It feels rather liberating like it was today just whipping my hair up and heading to Chipotle with my lack lack lack of defined eyes for a burrito, not giving a fuck.

I feel like typing. Well I didn’t really know where to start or what to talk about so I scrolled down my Dashboard and found this and changed my mind of the possible ideas to talk about for this one:

I used to be obsessed with this movie (Yes, this one not the old classic one. I didn’t like the hairstyles for the main part in the old one for the most part.) I knew all the words and would recreate the scenes with my old best friend Ashley at my Auntie Sophies house everyday after school. I felt bad because I always insisted to be the California twin Hallie. Why? Because I thought she was the coolest and she got to pierce Annies ears (we pretended obviously) and I liked the scene where I beat Annie at Poker and she has to go butt naked into the pool (again we pretended.) Yeah, I felt like since I was a year older than Ashley I could basically control most of our playtime activities. My bad haha

Anyway, watching this movie opened my imagination to the extreme. At one point I was convinced that I, too, had a twin sister. (I am the only child and live with my mom, if you were wondering) I imagine she was living this amazing life with everything pink (seriously). My imagination went a little off tangent to the movie plot by having me think my mom was hiding her in our actual apartment. In my old apartment there was this big cabinet/closet thing where the lower shelve was missing so I could fit my body inside for fun (Yes I know, I was an only child at like 5 years old) So I imagined that she stayed there when I was in the apartment and if I would open it she wouldn’t be there because there was a secret secret compartment to where she lived. I thought my mom was giving her all the good stuff. Like the best Christmas presents and everything pink and cute. I remember I would play pretend with my imaginary sister and say things like, “i’m just going to go to my room and sleep” out loud so I thought she would come out and I would catch her red handed. 

and that’s my story.

Word of advice to future parents, don’t have just one child. Or if you do at least give them a dog or something. (NOT A BIRD, I had a parakeets and wanted to poison their food. Those bitches)

I was going to be more creative but ended up just mashing everything up. This was a much needed fun day! It was my only day off after 2 weeks of work. I indeed took advantage of it in my own silly way.

Oh and the hats we have we got from Dicks Last Resort.

and the part where it goes black and you hear screaming like “ooohhhhhh cuteeee” it was supposed to show this old couple we saw holding hands and being all cute and stuff*~

Hibernating while sulking in my deserved Karma

Today after wearing my visor awfully low than usual at work, I headed straight to the public library. Why? Supplies for hibernation. The supplies I got were simply a bunch of DVDs to add on to the book I remembered I borrowed a while back called The Gatecrasher by Madeleine Wickham (which I only picked up after I found out that it was just another name Sophie Kinsella uses as a writer). The public library is limited in the selection of DVDs but it’s free so that cancels any negative thought I have upon the movie selection. I got my hands on (500) Days of Summer, Tootsie, The Italian Job and Leap Year. I watched them all except Leap Year, I just got it cause I really like Amy Adams and why not its free!

I plan on staying home as much as possible for a couple of days besides going to work. Why? Because my right eyelid (your left) decided to leave me a delicious looking sexy surprise on Wednesday morning which I concluded after Thursday that it is in fact a sty. Right now it is just very swollen and nothing funky has come about, but after scaring myself with all the graphic pictures on Google, I may be in the process of pealing myself of the couch, entering the area outside the confines of my home and buying a freaking eye patch.

So how did I get this lovely present? Well besides the idea that I often take naps in my mascara and don’t really take the needed time to fully take off my eye makeup, I believe that it has more to do with Karma. 

So here is the story simplified:

I hit a car and left.

Here is the story with a little more detail:

I stupidly hit a parked car while backing up out of the parking lot at work.

I just got off from 2 shifts from work starting from 9 am to close with around a 2 hour break in between. But enough with the excuses.

I hit this silver car with my bug. I got out of the car and saw that mine was not damaged but that persons had a dent. I remember being tired, in a hurry and mostly frazzled. Do I wait? Leave? I saw that my friend and the people I know from the shop next door saw. One of them was sampling outside so I quickly yelled out when he jokingly and most likely 100% serious told me to “GO GO GO” that when the person comes out tell him/her where I work and stuff. Then indeed I got in my car and went about my business. I came home and went straight to my room when my mom’s motherly instinct pulled me aside and asked what was wrong. I told her and she said I should have just left my info.

We drove straight back to my work place hoping to find that car but nothing.

I went to the shops everywhere and asked if a person complained their car has been hit and nothing.

I got away with it and I felt like a complete asshole. At that moment I became one of those people that I never wanted to be. I don’t think I have many real regrets but this is one of them. That night I had the story lines going in my head on this person. Scenario one: It was a struggling single Mother who is juggling work and kids and went to get a quick meal within the area to feed her kids. Scenario two: It is a smart straight edged teenager who has overprotective parents who for once did something semi rebellious and took her fathers car out to get ice cream and now that some dumbass hit it (c’est moi) they will find out and she is not allowed to go to her senior prom next year or something. Karma.

What makes it even more worse is that I cannot help that 10% of me is obviously relieved. KARMA. I feel like shit for even admitting that.

So I was not surprised that this happened to my eyelid. I am not going to post FML or anything like that because this is what I get for being a dumbass. 

So that’s why I have this sty. Because I hit a parked car and left the scene without putting in the right effort to make the situation right.

Good Night Folks.

Cathy